1) Get LASIK.

2) Wear jeans and a cowboy hat because I’m going to a job that requires them.

3) Exert enough mental will over my physical self to fix any problems with my body.

4) Tell everyone I did it through diet and exercise.

5) Refer to all sciences as “the gay science”.

6) When someone explains that Nietzsche’s “gay science” was actually poetry, punch them for using the word “poetry”.

7) Learn to misspell Nietzsche.

8) Tell people all my books are just for hiding smut.

9) Start referring to smut as porn or porno.

10) Convert all my potential energy to kinetic.

11) Stop aspiring to razzmatazz, razzamatazz, and especially razzle-dazzle.

12) Don’t tweet any of this.